An Observation of My Behavior in Relation to Other Humans

I am a chameleon or a least this must be close to what it feels like to be one. But do I really have to blend into my environment? Is it essential for my basic survival? No. My kid’s generation calls it being a “poser”. I think mine may use the word “hypocrite”.

So why do I change how I present myself from one place to the next? All of these personas are a part of who I am. I show one part to one set of individuals and I let someone else see another facet. Why? I firmly believe that it is because the people around me are as imperfect as I am. I do not think that they would know what to do with me if I truly “let my hair down” and invited them into the innermost regions of my mind. If they truly knew what I was thinking they would be amazed or possibly horrified. I can be pretty unconventional while at times I am very traditional.

My church acquaintances do it too. I have caught many of them in the act. My work colleagues do it because they have to protect their livelihood. You can’t show your employer who you really are. I even change from one group of friends to another depending on the personality of the group. Why? I truly believe it is because we are all so imperfect that we can not trust others with who we are. Unconditional acceptance is an impossible task for us mere mortals.

I also challenge those individuals who say “I am who I am. I am the same to all I encounter.” I have also caught you in the act of being a chameleon as well.

Any time I have tried to talk to someone, anyone about this sort of thing I get similar reactions. No one wants to admit these types of thoughts are common to all of us. We are all afraid at some level to let people in. We find it necessary to create boundaries of acceptable intimacy with various groups. We have to protect our privacy. I find it all very tiring. I truly would love to find someone / anyone who I can just be me with.

While all this sounds a bit depressing when reading back over it, I am not a depressed person. I just wanna be me…..and so I circle back to my original observations.

Getting Reacquainted

There is a lot to be said in favor of the current craze in the on-line social networking sites. One in particular has helped me re-connect with many friends from years gone by. What is amazing to me is that we are actually getting reacquainted and building new memories together and not just re-hashing old ones. The fact that we still have things in common with each other after all this time is another fact that surprises me. There have been a few instances where the friendship just doesn’t work like it used to but all in all I have had many more successful reunions.

Another individual I have been getting reacquainted with is my ex-husband of almost 23 years. He refuses to call me his ex-wife. He introduces me as the mother of his children. This journey is very strange. Strange in a good way though. We have talked through many of our past issues and agreed to leave other buried in the past. We were both very young and dumb and there are just certain things that we really should just leave alone. We are in the process of trying to figure out what is important individually and to each other. We have yet to decide where this is going and I for one have decided not to analyze it too much. If nothing else we are hoping to be good friends.

We have also had to try to manage the expectations of our now adult children. We have made it a point to let them know that we are spending time together. Their reactions have been fun to watch. One told me that the only important thing was that I was happy and doing what I wanted to do. Another finally admitted to the secret dream that the parents would one day reunited. Then there is the one that can’t seem to stop grinning from ear to ear whenever the subject comes up in our conversations.

The strangest part is that we are still the same people. The same attractions are still there but at the same time we are very different. We are keeping and revisiting the good memories and guarding ourselves from the not so good ones while we also begin the process of trying to create new memories. We shall see. Fantasies do become reality on occasion.

Just stuff & random thoughts I have had about my big brother.

Kenneth Lee Spencer
9/8/54 - 01/30/10

I miss you bro.

Before we had younger siblings we shared a bedroom.

I used to go play on the playground during his little league baseball games.

He used to tickle me till I screamed.

We used to walk to elementary school together.

He carried me around the neighborhood on his shoulders when he and his friends snuck out of the house to go pick muscadines in the neighbors yards.

He carried me home when I fell off my bike and slid down Lambeth Lane on the back of my hand and burned all the skin off when I was nine years old.

We would walk to Playland Skating rink together.

He had a white mouse named Herman and a green iguana named Shalom.

I have always wondered if he and one cousin were "kissing cousins" once upon a time???


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,Me & Bobby McGee, Janis Joplin

My friends thought that he was cute.


He ruined what was supposed to be my first "boy / girl" birthday party cause he had to have an emergency tonsillectomy and Mom wasn't there to make it all work. (She had to stay wth "him" overnight in the hospital). I was really upset.


He had a white Mustang with blue interior. He put "Hang Ten" gas and brake pedals in it.


He gave me my first "rock & roll" album. It was Three Dog Night's Golden Biscuits album.


He would pick me up and let me drive his car even when the tires were bald and the brakes were bad and the speedometer didn't work.
Shhhh, don't tell Mom and Dad.


He caught his apartment on fire because he was repairing his motorcycle in the kitchen and a spark ignited gasoline fumes and then BAM! It made the local news. As I child, I thought this was funny!


I celebrated my High School graduation night at his house.


He taught me and my husband how to play darts.


Happy trails....at one point he used to always say this as we said "Bye, see you later."


He taught my kids how to hunt for sand fleas on the on the beach to use as fish bait.


He used to work for a company called A Smile and he used to bring me sample pairs of jeans. If I remember correctly he told me that some of the styles were never sold here in Atlanta. Nobody had jeans like me.....hard to believe I used to be samlple size. LOL


I used to sneak into his bedroom and listen to albums with him. Mom didn't wnat me to do it cause some fo the songs had bad words.


He was a volenteer firefighter for Marineland, FL.